So far the leading post that directs people to this page was when I wrote about Edward Scissorhands having a penis. And why would it not? It’s an important question of our age. But Wednesday (how is it already Saturday? What the hell, father time) I had more views than ever before, by like, a lot. Which is awesome, and which made this up and down week actually okay since there was a lot of sobbing, a lot of cursing and a lot of new things and devices to get adjusted to.

And it all started with a damn car accident.

I’m fine. Batman and I are okay, but after realizing everyone was basically uninjured and alive, I was like what the hell you giant asshole? Didn’t you see I was stopped? And now my milk and cottage cheese and creamer which JUST went up in price had to sit in this FL heat while the Sheriff took his sweet time. Morons. They’re all over the place. And then there were the insurance companies. This guy tells me one thing and that guy tells me something else and then Enterprise was all “We’ll get you into something you’re used to driving.”

“I drive a Kia Sportage.”

“I think we have a Dodge available.”


And I’m kind of stupid when it comes to operating new machines, so I had no idea how to turn on the lights and set the radio stations even though Batman explained it was really easy and all I had to do was look at the pictures. I looked at the pictures. It was like fucking Arabic. Not to mention all the tears blocking my vision because money was FALLING out of me since I made the smart decision not to have rental car coverage and am now paying everything out of pocket. I have no pockets. My pockets are patches of fabric with bad stitching. There’s no money in there. Which I told the enterprise lady who looked a little uncomfortable handing me the keys.

And then a duck flew into my car. A DUCK.

The downpour came when I realized the conference was off. The Annual Writer’s Digest Conference which, two posts ago, I’d expressed really, really wanting to go to. A dear friend–let’s call her the world’s coolest fairy Godmother– read my post and offered to pay for me. “You’re going to the ball!” she said. “I’m going to the ball!” I cried, which, of course, led to spilling tears of absolute disbelief and happiness and checking the itinerary and planning what workshops I’d be attending. It was all good.

And then that stupid GIANT man in his TINY ass clown car hit me.

And now he’s disputing fault. And the roadwork on my street isn’t finished, even though the note indicated it would be done today. And my car’s not going to be fixed for two weeks. And a duck flew into my car. So yeah, there was a lot of sobbing this week.

BUT the same fairy godmother who, let’s be honest, is TOTALLY amazing, offered to help me out even more because I was going to that conference damn it. It was happening and she was making sure of it. And I wrote my IWSG post which I got a lot of positive feedback on and one commenter saying she’d read whatever I wrote (awww… thanks Karen Walker!) and then today, I joined the rest of the modern world by getting a phone that actually functions and isn’t just a crappy paper weight that sometimes calls people, whether I’m dialing or not. It has shiny new apps and I can check my bank account and play minesweeper and know the weather and call people on their shit because the internet browser actually works now.

So yeah, it’s been an up and down week for me. And I’m still out a stress ball.

How’s it been going for you?