I took a break from writing the last few days, and yesterday, I reread some of what I’d written early last week.
I literally rolled my eyes at myself. One part was so cheesy. I mean, yeah, it’s still an early draft but I thought, dude—why did I even think that was good at the time? Whoa. Like whoa. I hope my perspectives aren’t changing—or maybe I’m super cheesy in my earlier drafts and never noticed? Maybe things I thought were once sweet or romantic aren’t anymore? Normally when I edit, I’m looking at overall story context and how it fits with other parts. I’ll even look at sentence structure, but I literally stopped at one point, reread the exchange, and shook my head at the dopiness of the moment. Like, pure lameness—of something I wrote last week! Maybe I’m growing as an author, able to spot the bullshit even earlier?
So, I keep having the same dream. It’s reoccurred since I graduated from college, and it’s that I actually didn’t graduate—that I’m still enrolled. Still in school. And I’m missing my assignments. This wouldn’t be a big thing to others, but I NEVER missed assignments. They were always complete a day or so after it was assigned, or as soon as possible. So, I keep feeling like I’m messing up or I’m missing something or I’m late (not to be confused with my reoccurring nightmare of driving up the steepest bridge imaginable—nearly vertical—which has impeded my speedy, reckless driving and made me a tad safer. You’re welcome.) I’m pretty sure the college dream correlates to writing. Instead of getting up each morning to sit down and write/do Indie author stuff, I go to some desk job that I never saw myself doing—so maybe it’s an inadequacy thing? Feeling like I’m failing at this endeavor so I’m never graduating in my dream? I’d love to pay a shrink to find out, but that costs money, and the Universe still hasn’t realized that I’m a millionaire, so, you all will have to do in the meantime.
The good thing is we’re not supposed to take on everything at once. It’s a day-by-day life, and I think I can keep up with that. I’ve been making more of an effort to post every Wednesday since I’ve fallen off here recently, except I did lose my place with IWSG (Insecure Writers Support Group) which I’ve been involved with since 2014. But, I missed two posts and now I’ll have to resign up. It’s my own fault. And once I’m back on track with regularly posting on Wednesdays, I’ll kick my own butt in gear and get going with my NL which is a memory at this point.
I don’t know if it’s the dream or the few author pages I’ve been following that inspire me, but despite all my bitching and writing anxiety, I do want this. I do believe I was meant to write stories (even if they’re cheesy in the first drafts) and I do know I can do this. Just have to figure out how to make it work for me and my lifestyle and my lack of social media skills.
That’s the fun part.
~ Lady Caitlin