Magic Comes to You

Well, here I am, midweek in my first week being on my own. That’s right—I get to choose when to take lunch AND don’t have to worry about making sure I’m doing something correct for someone else. It’s all me, baby. All what I put into it. It actually makes me feel like an adult. Of course, I’m talking to you Day One. Let’s see how I feel Day One Hundred. Might want to be a kid again or have a kid job. I don’t know. But, I’ve tried a lot of other things and they didn’t work out…so…let’s see how I do with this.

Remember, getting good at this job might help me with the salesy part of writing that I DETEST, and so, this isn’t just the next job—it’s the next challenge to make me a better version of me.

(Again, ask me on Day One Hundred how it’s going…)

But I’m optimistic.

I have to be. The alternative is just too depressing, and I’m sorry, I just spent a year dealing with Covid bullshit, so no need to look for darkness when you can anticipate, hope for, and focus on the light.

Truth time: I was getting down on myself for a while because I wasn’t writing a lot. In fact, I was writing very little—the bare minimum I would force myself to write to still feel like I “worked.” For a few nights it was only a handful of sentences. Other nights, barely a few paragraphs. I crept along at turtle-speed, feeling like a creative failure. I was looking for darkness and found it. (Not recommended). Then I did something crazy. I forgave myself. Instead of berating myself for only getting a few sentences in, I applauded myself for inching my work that much more because if I hadn’t forced myself to sit down and focus for even a little bit of time, I wouldn’t have made the progress. I wouldn’t have advanced the story. I would have been just as far from the ending as before, so any work, even the *tiniest* amount counts. I know this—I’ve known this—but we tend to forget. So, when the epiphany sparked, I relaxed and let the darkness go. And then the craziest thing happened: I went in with the mindset of only writing a few sentences but after I reached what I expected would be the limit, I kept going. Kept writing. I wasn’t finished. Not only did I want to write more than a few sentences—I had to. Story was pouring out.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. It IS like magic. And look, I’m not saying it’s because I’m a Hogwarts Alumni or anything, but sometimes you submit yourself to the light and the magic comes to you. I’m going with this because statistically, it’s worked for me in the past.

Actual book update? Still no title. I’m past the Black Moment now and working on the denouement, the part of the story where things get explained and everything wraps up. Not a thousand percent sure how it’s actually going to end, but, I’ve pansted my way through this whole thing so why should the ending be any different?

On a final note, spent the weekend in Orlando with the family and had an awesome time! We went to Universal Studios on Sunday and I loved showing my nephew the Gringotts Bank ride in the new Harry Potter section. (Also: the ride is awesome. You should go if you haven’t. If you have, you should go again.) Now that the Orlando trip is behind us, it’s time to start setting my sights on summer.

I’m smelling a lot of barbecues in my future…

Have a badass week 😊

~ Lady Caitlin

I Can Do This

Today was one of those days. It started raining on my way to work which I normally don’t mind (the rain, not work) but it caused more traffic which meant I arrived later than normal so no time to read before clocking in and I had to park further away. I know—world catastrophes. I wasn’t in my favorite outfit and was definitely feeling bumtastic. But what do I care? I’m normally the least chic person anywhere. And then…*sigh*… there was more work training.

I started a new job last month because I quit my old one and I’m not a filthy millionaire. Not yet. It was kind of a risk but I don’t mind new beginnings. I like to think of them as an adventure except—and I’m a little embarrassed to admit this—it takes me longer to get things than other people. No, I’m not stupid. Well, maybe a little. And only about certain things. Like math. I’m very stupid in math. But typically, I need a little more time to grasp simple concepts. I just think it’s because I get other things most people don’t and NO ONE can be great at everything. Even Mary Poppins, that self righteous bitch. So when it comes to learning things, I’m… shall we say… perpetually using training wheels. I’ll get going eventually but I really have to make sure I’m balanced before I can get ready and go. So why am I telling you this? Because there was more training and more moments when I thought, wow, did I really survive Darwinism? How is that possible? Shouldn’t I have been killed off already? I hate these thoughts. Because they’re negative and do nothing good for me. But I have them. And you have them. Everyone has thoughts of self doubt that make them question if they’re good enough. Smart enough. If they have what it takes.

So I’m always anxious when I have to learn something new, especially when it has to do with numbers (it does) and when I’m surrounded by other, younger people who apparently already know the answer to everything. Then look at me like I’m dumb. Because yes, sometimes I am. But so are you sometimes, so shut up. Mix that with parking far away and not feeling pretty AND THEN, letting those sad thoughts that tell me I’m never going to succeed, never going to be anything more than a mediocre wannabe invade my brain. Suffice it to say, I was feeling down. Maybe I’m just being a super emotional girl. That happens too. But today, for some reason, it just struck me. Sometimes life is bummy.

But then I checked my Amazon account and found someone left a comment on both my books… good comments. Like, “hurry up and write fast. Can’t wait to read the next one” with five star ratings and everything. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Did she leave it on the wrong book? No! I checked and then double checked. It was MY book she was rating. MY book she was giving five brightly shining stars to! And I don’t even know this person. Which makes that EPIC. Some other person in this world actually read something I wrote and without feeling obligated because we’re friends or family, said something positive about it. And wants to read more of my work. Yeah, I got teary eyed. Right there in my not so private work space. I don’t have a cubicle to cry my happy tears in but I might someday. Or not. Because I don’t want to end up in a cubicle. WOW. Five stars on BOTH books. It was just what I needed. The reminder that okay, maybe I don’t quite suck so hard. And maybe *just maybe* I won’t have to be a file bitch for the rest of my life (part of my current job). Maybe I’ll actually be able to do this.

I can do this.

In case you doubt my sometimes-retardation:

I was sitting in traffic the other day, scanning the local shops and came across this sign:


My first thought: they misspelled caution. Idiots.
Then I glance to the other, LARGER sign above it.

And I’m dumb.