Fine, Universe, You’re Off the Hook

Last week kicked my ass. Can we all agree it sucked? ☹

Since my favorite Aunt was in town, everything was cranked up to the next level of crazy-emotional, and I found myself crying at work on THREE different occasions over things I would’ve normally bottled up and whined about to Batman. And not cute little tears that I could pass off as a tender moment of sadness. No. I straight up Ugly-Cried, guys. AT WORK. Where I have to go back and show my ugly-crying face daily. And since I don’t care enough to wear make-up, just imagine my level of sexiness. Yeah.

*shudders*

I also put my hand through a spider’s nest.

I’m going to give you a second to think about that. To really get the image. Not a web. A nest. A spider’s nest which means there was one fat momma and her *billions* of babies. Really soak in that image. Are you fainting yet?

Because I nearly did. After the scream that shook the earth (and a terrible day earlier; note the ugly-crying above) I about passed out because WHAT THE HELL UNIVERSE. Yeah, I know I don’t sweep every day since Appa leaves a healthy layer of fur on my floor, but I WAS GETTING TO IT. Why would you hide the forces of evil under my dryer sheet—with *billions* of evil babies—and then let me grab it? With my hand? The one that I use to write and CANNOT chop off even though it’s touched the lowest layer in hell and will forever be tainted.

*Barfing*

*wipes mouth*

Excuse me.

So, last week was fun. 😊

I still get sick in the morning (most mornings) and no, I’m not pregnant. I’m stressed, and my body just reacts. Though, I will say this is one of the best diets I’ve been on. Is it unhealthy? Of course. But so is depression, and that’s the next best option that I’d really rather not explore. The silver lining is that it’s been great for wedding-dress-shopping which I recently did. Want to know how it went? Let’s just call it the opposite of my spider’s-nest-drama because mom and sister helped me FIND MY WEDDING DRESS 😊😊😊

YES! I HAVE IT! Eons early, but I have it, and it’s perfect, and I cannot WAIT to put it on again (many, many months from now.) I’d *love* to describe every frigging detail down to the time of day we went and the number of dresses I tried on, but I can’t. Sometimes Batman reads my posts (sometimes…) and I don’t want him peeking in on anything his happy butt can wait to know in November 2020. If we’re besties in the real world, of course you’ll get the whole story (details included!). For everyone else, just imagine the most gorgeous, perfect dress you didn’t realize you wanted—or even knew existed. And it’s yours! GUYS. I HAVE MY WEDDING DRESS!

Okay, so maybe the tail end of last week turned out to be not so terrible. I’ll give you Friday afternoon and Saturday. But Monday through mid-Friday—WTF, Universe? And really, a SPIDER’S NEST? You know it’s the antithesis of everything pure and holy.

*shudders*

But I did find my wedding dress. And it’s so, so beautiful…

Fine, Universe, you’re off the hook this week. But only because Batman just might cry now. He swears he won’t ball at the ceremony, but this gown might be the trick. I hope so. I’d really hate for mom to lose her five bucks. 😊

I Only Feel Half Ripped-Off

I spent twenty dollars on a bridal magazine about flowers.

I’m obviously insane.

Do I have money like that to spend? No. But I’d neglected to check the price, and I liked what I’d flipped through, and my debit card was already out, about to be swiped. Everything was in motion. So, I got it. I spent TWENTY DOLLARS on a magazine because I’m awkward and can’t change my mind mid-purchase, and because it had pretty pictures that I could use for my wedding binder. That’s it. I should justify that a little better, but I can’t. These are the decisions I make. I wanted to finish my art project and apparently, I have good taste. Twenty-dollars-good. Also dropped five dollars at Starbucks so I must’ve been on a roll.

We’re approaching mid-May and a lot of decisions are being made eighteen months out (by the way—this is going to be a wedding post. Have I not mentioned that? Now you know. Carry on 😊). We have the venue and DJ booked and are in heavy research/ correspondence with a potential caterer and florist. Woop! Four out of the big five are in the process of being checked. The photographer is the last piece of the puzzle and I’m saving that for late summer.

I have a pintrest board and if you’re even the slightest bit interested/stalkery, feel free to take a look/stalk to your heart’s content:

SEE MY OBSESSIONS

Whatcha think? I have some ideas. Batman has some too, and we think this event is going to be kick-ass. That’s the goal. Have a kick-ass wedding. Just as I imagined as a little girl 😊

Well, I’m going to flip through my TWENTY DOLLAR magazine and figure out which images will be used for the wedding binder. It’s not even that thick of a magazine. But there are a lot of really beautiful, really inspiring images, so at least I only feel half ripped-off.

Still though…TWENTY DOLLARS?!?!

What the hell Virgo tendencies? Why didn’t you pick up on this shit the second I reached for the thing? Details are OUR THING.

Something in my eye

My eye is twitching again.

I’m going to blame it on the panic/anxiety/depression of looking for a job and realizing I’M NOT QUALIFIED FOR ANYTHING. Sorry that I’m not fluent in Spanish or Portuguese or Russian and no, I’m not efficient in EVERY computer skill as well as having twenty years experience, the ability to travel, work mandatory OT, or have arbitrary licenses. Geez. I’m 32 and have worked in an office for the last ten years doing random office things. But since I like writing (and no, I don’t want to be a teacher) I have to find some way to make ends meet while hoping my shaky car doesn’t break down on me.

There goes my eye again.

I look around at my friends who are (pretty much all) proficient in their fields and think ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ Where did I go wrong? I was a good student, went to college and even got into the top end of my program (I studied under the department head)—so, what the hell am I doing? How did I end up here?

I’m *really* surprised I’m not an addict or have a substance abuse problem because that just seems to come with the artist mindset/lifestyle anyway. Add in the depressing job situation and I should be scratching myself from withdrawals. I don’t know. I keep thinking I made a wrong turn somewhere but can’t figure out where. Or how. Sometimes, I wish I was meant to be a nurse or a teacher or some obvious occupation because then I wouldn’t so unsure of myself. Does that make sense? Anyway, at least Batman and I are popular enough to attend several weddings where there are open bars 😊 We went to one on St. Patty’s day and it was a blast!

Let’s switch to that because it’s less depressing and I remembered to take some pictures this time:

Beautiful ceremony area before it starts!

Groomsmen hanging out before it starts (Batman is second from the right)

Welcome sign is ETCHED GLASS! How cool?!?!

….and a close up

Picture before we get sloppy off the open bar. I mean, *ahem* before we partake in refreshments.

Great thing to do in lieu of favors (Titan is their Corgi)

The happy couple’s first dance 🙂

Oh, and, after spending about half an hour trying to get the Patreon widget to work, I decided not to bother again until MY EYE STOPS TWITCHING. If you’re interested in becoming one of my patrons or even just viewing my page, you can check it out HERE <—

Please tell me if that doesn’t work!  Thanks 🙂

And a good day to you all!

Getting there, baby

I’m doing it.

I’m making a Patreon page. You’ll probably see the official I’VE MADE A PATREON post later this week when I’ve actually pushed the launch button, so, be on the lookout for that. 😉 Or not. There’s really no way for me to know. But I DID spend the better part of yesterday playing with my webcam to make my welcome video and whoa—are my eyes expressive. I never realized that I blink so much. I always knew I had a slight twitch so please, if you do head over to my page and watch the video, just know I’m not winking at you. It’s just my weird DNA mixed with anxiety and walla!—you have my oddball facial expressions.

I’ve been busy lately. And a good busy, I guess. I’m kind of looking for jobs, but I’m spending the majority of my time planning to promote Better Than This. For all/any of you creative types out there, I’m using Picmonkey which allows me to custom-make my own teasers/advertisements and whatnots. I *super* suggest checking it out even if you’re looking to host a party because they have templates for Facebook events and different things like that. But for all my authors (and I guess anyone with their own business), I snazzied up my fb author page by checking out this article. It lists marketing tools for people who hate marketing and I found it extremely useful, especially the part where I borrowed a template to make my shiny new cover photo for my author page. (Because I’m dumb, it took me a moment to realize the template was in a powerpoint and I ended up figuring out what/how my Google drive worked. So, lots of learning things.)

I’m dying to show you some of the teasers and advertising pieces I’ve put together, but I’m saving them for my Patreon page because, as promised, all new content will appear there first. But I DID post the below fake concert adds on my fb page with a poll to find out which you like better. Feel free to leave a comment here or cast your vote there. I’m honestly torn and could use some opinions and who’s better than yours? 😉

We’ll call this # 1

… and #2

Let’s see… what else…. oh! I did go to a wedding last Friday which was awesome. Because I forgot my phone in the car, I snagged some of Batman’s pics:

Real pretty, right? And the food was good too!

How’s life been treating you? Any advice on marketing/advertising? Which fake concert ad do you like better?

The Other Couple

Batman and I attended a friend’s wedding this past weekend.

It.Was.Awesome.

Now, I’ve been known to attend and participate in many a wedding but this was the first one, I can say without a doubt, that has been so unique in not only derailing from tradition, but complimenting the couple who planned every detail of the entire extravaganza.

I’ve stood in pink and purple and rust colored bridesmaid dresses, held bouquets, attempted catching bouquets, used fancy silver wear and tried not having a heart attack when giving speeches. I’ve purchased dressy shoes and posed for photographers and taken planes and buses and subways and cabs, had my nails done and my hair arranged, told to stand here but end up there and watch my sister and my best friends and good coworkers dance their first song as husband and wife.

I’ve 27 Dresses this shit.

But I’d never held a hard cider while wearing a fedora and listening to the black and blue corset-wearing bride and kilt-donning groom exchange vows on promising to kill one another should the zombie apocalypse or an evil dead situation occur. The officiant, also in a kilt, took a few swigs from his flask in the middle of the ceremony which lasted a total of seven minutes, per the couple’s wish. The bride was barefoot and the groom was in love, watching his best friend escorted from her grandparent’s porch to the center of the backyard where the thirty or so guests stood in a semi-circle.

I’ve never been to a wedding that wasn’t done by the books.

Now, I’m not saying the other weddings I went to weren’t great. They were beautiful, delicious, romantic, heartfelt and everything my friends and family wanted and deserved. But this wedding was the first that didn’t follow tradition. There was no white dress. There were black pants and a Victorian corset. No “I’ll take you forever,” but “I take you as my player number two.” No flower centerpieces but classic games like Hungry, Hungry Hippos and Scrabble and Jenga. This wedding wasn’t something you’d see in the Knot or Brides or whatever other magazine advertises the traditional and typical. That’s because this couple isn’t them. They’re the other couple.

I remember first learning about their relationship a few years ago when I quizzed the bride on her secretive boyfriend. She told me and I couldn’t believe it. It was a coworker we’d joked with but never someone I’d take as a serious suitor for her. Not because he wasn’t good enough. He was just… a friend. The quirky IT guy we liked to mess with; someone fun around the office—that’s all.

I was flabbergasted, especially since they’d been dating secretly for a while. How could I not know this *amazing* gossip. I was like Varys (Game of Thrones, anyone?) I had little birdies everywhere, reporting back to me on all sorts of scandals and juicy tidbits but this pair alluded me somehow, keeping their relationship secret and I just couldn’t believe it at first. COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. They were so different, so unique and so…so… somehow…perfect for one another. I never saw it. Never could’ve matched the two oddballs in the company as being the right compliment of one another. And they were. Dancing to the beat of their own drums, J & F don’t give a shit about what’s trending or hot, what’s traditional or practical. They do things their own way—the other way—and it made their wedding so much fun.

My camera died twenty minutes before the ceremony started because I was using Pandora earlier in the day and forgot to charge it, so I only have a few pictures:

Here’s the house where the cab driver dropped us off. It was a great idea to be chauffeured to and from the hotel, but it usually helps when we’re taken to the right destination. I think at least. Good thing we were only a house down but we did knock and seem like total creepers standing outside the garage and peeking into the backyard. Thank God no one came at us with a shot gun. Close call though.

Def NOT the right house

Def NOT the right house

When we finally made it, we had our picture taken by a Polaroid and if you look real close, you can see me and Batman hanging sort of in the center there. I’m kicking my leg up. Can you find me? Ten points if you can because our real names are on there!

pics

We were at the Jenga table because the HHH was taken and I planned on drinking too much to be any good at Scrabble. Also, Jenga is sort of our game. At least since Batman knocked over the full size set at the engagement party and ran off blaming it on me. Bastard.

Batman's going down this time.

Batman’s going down this time.

More awesome table decorations:

IMG_20140426_150723_531 IMG_20140426_150709_603

This is the actual ceremony (borrowed from my friends Instagram). Besides being eaten alive by bugs, it was very romantic and sweet. And I had my Reds Apple Ale so I was set.

Aww...two quirballs unite!

Aww…two quirballs unite!

And finally, the bridal party. Yes, we were all nervous with those kilts flying high into the air. No one was blinded though. It would be a shame on such a wonderful and blessed occasion.

wedding pic

J & F—
Thank you for an amazing day and we wish you both a lifetime of happiness and continued quirkiness. And of course, thank you for being the other couple.

You guys rock :)