Today was one of those days. It started raining on my way to work which I normally don’t mind (the rain, not work) but it caused more traffic which meant I arrived later than normal so no time to read before clocking in and I had to park further away. I know—world catastrophes. I wasn’t in my favorite outfit and was definitely feeling bumtastic. But what do I care? I’m normally the least chic person anywhere. And then…*sigh*… there was more work training.
I started a new job last month because I quit my old one and I’m not a filthy millionaire. Not yet. It was kind of a risk but I don’t mind new beginnings. I like to think of them as an adventure except—and I’m a little embarrassed to admit this—it takes me longer to get things than other people. No, I’m not stupid. Well, maybe a little. And only about certain things. Like math. I’m very stupid in math. But typically, I need a little more time to grasp simple concepts. I just think it’s because I get other things most people don’t and NO ONE can be great at everything. Even Mary Poppins, that self righteous bitch. So when it comes to learning things, I’m… shall we say… perpetually using training wheels. I’ll get going eventually but I really have to make sure I’m balanced before I can get ready and go. So why am I telling you this? Because there was more training and more moments when I thought, wow, did I really survive Darwinism? How is that possible? Shouldn’t I have been killed off already? I hate these thoughts. Because they’re negative and do nothing good for me. But I have them. And you have them. Everyone has thoughts of self doubt that make them question if they’re good enough. Smart enough. If they have what it takes.
So I’m always anxious when I have to learn something new, especially when it has to do with numbers (it does) and when I’m surrounded by other, younger people who apparently already know the answer to everything. Then look at me like I’m dumb. Because yes, sometimes I am. But so are you sometimes, so shut up. Mix that with parking far away and not feeling pretty AND THEN, letting those sad thoughts that tell me I’m never going to succeed, never going to be anything more than a mediocre wannabe invade my brain. Suffice it to say, I was feeling down. Maybe I’m just being a super emotional girl. That happens too. But today, for some reason, it just struck me. Sometimes life is bummy.
But then I checked my Amazon account and found someone left a comment on both my books… good comments. Like, “hurry up and write fast. Can’t wait to read the next one” with five star ratings and everything. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Did she leave it on the wrong book? No! I checked and then double checked. It was MY book she was rating. MY book she was giving five brightly shining stars to! And I don’t even know this person. Which makes that EPIC. Some other person in this world actually read something I wrote and without feeling obligated because we’re friends or family, said something positive about it. And wants to read more of my work. Yeah, I got teary eyed. Right there in my not so private work space. I don’t have a cubicle to cry my happy tears in but I might someday. Or not. Because I don’t want to end up in a cubicle. WOW. Five stars on BOTH books. It was just what I needed. The reminder that okay, maybe I don’t quite suck so hard. And maybe *just maybe* I won’t have to be a file bitch for the rest of my life (part of my current job). Maybe I’ll actually be able to do this.
I can do this.
In case you doubt my sometimes-retardation:
I was sitting in traffic the other day, scanning the local shops and came across this sign:
My first thought: they misspelled caution. Idiots.
Then I glance to the other, LARGER sign above it.
And I’m dumb.