Tag: insecurity

Insecurity Won’t Hold Me Hostage

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It was a confidence thing, guys.

Figured it out.

Just don’t think I’m good enough. Or was good enough. Ever feel like that? Like you’re not good enough for the craft that you want to share with the world because no professional is telling you it’s ready, so your own silly mind comes up with reasons why it isn’t, why it likely will never be, and you end up sitting in a dark corner, shaking and crying? Ah yes, the imposter syndrome. It is quite literally the dream-killer. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m rocking an indelible patch on my skin right next to my Beatles tattoo. Imposter Syndrome. I’m not really a writer, but I like playing one.

THE DEATH OF DREAMS.

Think I’ve been stuck in this mindset for a long time. I’m an imposter at this so there’s no use waving the flag, gathering the attention I’m still uncomfortable with, and making a big deal of myself since I’m just an IMPOSTER. I didn’t want to upset readers with my probable-garbage stories (even though I like them), so it’s fear. Fear I’m putting out subpar work and fear of the reaction regardless. It all boils down to confidence, and feeling like a phony-bologna. But I’m no phony-bologna, I’m telling you. I work at this. Even in my four year indie slumber, I wrote. I wrote everyday (and still do). It’s kind of my vice/addiction/on par with morning coffee: it happens Every. Freaking. Day. And if that’s the case, I have to be at least slightly better than subpar/garbage…right?

RIGHT.

I GOT THIS. I can do this. Even as confusable as I am—I got this. I don’t write garbage. I write masterpieces (this is what I’m telling myself) so the insecurity won’t hold me hostage anymore. I’m getting too old to be tied down by my own bullshit.

First part is realizing the problem. Second part – telling it to f off.

Here we go.

*cracks knuckles*

Lets do this.

~ Lady Caitlin

I’m Nervous About The Whole Thing, IWSG

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I’m kinda insecure this month.

And yeah, I’m also releasing my last book (as in a series. Not my last book ever. Let’s not get ridiculous), so that’s probably got something to do with it. But I’m not even scared of the release. I’ve announced it to practically no one and have maybe two or three people who are actually expecting/awaiting it, so it’s not like I expect any tidal wave of anything really. It’s just going to be another Friday and even more exciting—it’s the release of Crimes of Grindelwald 😊

So, I’m not nervous about chucking this story into the great internet void. I’m nervous about the whole thing. Insecure about the whole thing. I’ve been a Debbie Downer about myself lately, about my talent and progress. I told my sister (I ACTUALLY SAID THIS ALOUD) that I wasn’t certain I’d ever get anywhere with writing. It sounded horrible as I said it—especially because you can’t ever lose hope—but this very giant, logical part of my brain has been scoffing lately, saying, ‘Really, Caitlin? Still holding onto it? Still haven’t seen the signs?’ She’s a bitch, but after she makes her argument over and over, it’s hard not to take a serious listen.

I don’t know. I feel like my faith is dwindling, even though I’m doing better now than I ever have (which is saying something). Maybe it has to do with the season or full moon or because Mercury is in retrograde or whatever. Maybe it’s just a down season because everyone gets down from time to time—and doesn’t it normally circulate more around the holidays? Maybe that’s what this is. Pre-holidays blues. I hope so. I don’t want it to be the other thing. I don’t want the Grow-Up-All-Your-Dreams-Are-Dead-Sorrows. Those are a bitch.

Anyway, those are my insecurities this month! What about you?

Insecure Writer’s Support Group (IWSG) is a monthly blog hop for writers at all levels to share their fears and insecurities in a safe and encouraging place. Please drop by and say hi to Alex Cavanaugh who started this nifty concept in bringing us all together.

IWSG – Insecurity Overload

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Happy first Wednesday (of March), a very special time in the life of any writer, especially one riddled with insecurities. The first Wednesday of every month marks the Insecure Writers Support Group (IWSG), a blog hop designed to share our doubts and fears,  to encourage and inspire, and of course, to remember that none of us are alone in this.  And we couldn’t do it without our fearless leader, Captain Alex Cavanaugh!  Feel like taking a load off from that insecurity-ridden burden? Click here to find somebody to lean on.

Gah, do I have a lot of insecurities this month. They kind of piled up on me and so I wasn’t really sure which one to talk about. Like how I still think I write like that eleven-year-old girl with a pencil and lined paper. Or how I think everyone secretly knows my books suck but don’t want to tell me because I’m a high-risk bridge-jumper (not really, but you get the point). Or how I’m tackling the marketing aspect ALL WRONG and only making a (bigger) idiot of myself.

Yes.

Yes to all of these.

My fourth book is currently out to my editor. I’m really proud of what I wrote, but I hate the fact that she’s reading it. I hate the fact that other people will be reading it when I publish in June. It’s because of my inner demon—that confidence-crushing dick that lives inside us all—continually whispering in my ear how I’m wasting everyone’s time with my nonsense.

You’re not very good.

They feel sorry for you.

No one’s buying your books which means you suck. Stop now. Stop embarrassing yourself.

Like I said—a confidence-crushing dick.

These thoughts are fleeting and I know every writer has some form of this dialogue at some point. I’ve read enough blogs and articles to know this is all part of the process, which does make me feel better. Like I’ve earned my stripes as a writer. And normally, I bat down the bitter-ass voice with my whole “fine, I wasn’t sure I was going to share this with anyone anyway” argument. Except I’ve committed now. A fan (yes! I have one of those!) reached out to ask when I was putting out the fourth book and without even thinking I said “June.” That was a week before last month’s post, hence the blog tour question.

So now I’m committed. Now I know (at least) someone will be reading all the flashbacks and fight scenes and sex scenes that I WROTE. And yeah, that kind of terrifies the shit out of me. But I’m charging forward. I’ve decided I want it more than I fear it. And I (think) I’ve decided to use these next three months as an additional marketing tool—March, April and May dedicated to the first, second and third books, respectively. What can you expect? Character info, different POV excerpts and other fun behind-the-scenes things. I don’t know. I was supposed to have it all planned out but was busy spot-checking the MS before sending it the ol’ editor.

So yeah, lots of insecurities. But some good things, too. I’m all sorts of crazy right now. What about you? Do you ever think these things? Feel these things?

IWSG – Don’t Make me Eat at the Kids Table

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The problem with reading a great book (when you’re a writer) is looking at your own work and thinking fuck… I don’t sound like that. I don’t sound anything like that. Have I been writing garbage this whole time?

*crickets*

It’s not that I’m comparing. I’m not. I’m appreciating, and at the same time, noticing the vast degree of how well some people can tell a story and how I’m basically drawing stick figures on the page. It’s true. I’m not fishing for compliments or sympathy or whatever, but maybe a *little* empathy. Honest question: You ever think you’re hot shit when you nail a scene or literary device (or whatever blows the wind up your skirt) and then you read something spectacular and think my god what the hell have I been doing this whole time? I had that happen a few times recently thanks to Chloe Neill (this is your fault, Jamie) and her vampire series (yes, I know. Another vampire series. Let’s not go there now). Neill throws around words I studied for (and failed miserably at) for the GRE, but she does it in a great story-telling way. I kept thinking shit… she’s the real deal. So what does that make me?

Again, not being emo. Just honest. Sometimes it’s fantastic when you read a great book because your love for reading amplifies. You remember why flipping through pages (or scrolling – whatever your preference) beats out channel-surfing or playing on your phone. But sometimes it’s sucks. Sometimes reading a great book (when you’re a writer) is like sitting at the kids table on Thanksgiving. It’s humbling, reminds you of your place and makes you wonder if you’ll ever make the great leap over.

That’s my insecurity – sitting at the kids table forever. We all write differently—and that’s a good thing—but damn it, feeling like an amateur sucks.

Do you ever feel like this? Or do you have different insecurities? Come on and share as this is the day to do it. IWSG (Insecure Writers Support Group) posts the first Wednesday of every month (It’s December already, guys. DECEMBER) to admit to one another our fears and doubts and to battle these negatives with encouragement and support and all around groovy vibes. This awesome blog hop was started by Alex Cavanaugh and if you’re interested (you know you are) you can check out—or stock—all the spiffy writers participating here.

Happy December. You rock. And keep writing, kiddos.

We’ll get there.