I’m not sure what’s going on—but it’s good.

I feel like I’ve been dosed with carpe-diem LSD or something. Not that I know Lucy, or what being in the sky with diamonds feels like, but I imagine it’s exhilarating and intense, which are words I would use to describe my relationship with everything in my life right now: I’m just so thankful for it. I feel like Ebenezer on Christmas morning—post ghosts—when he’s singing and joking and not being a total rat bastard for the first time in his life because he knows he could turn it around and start valuing the day. I like to think my moral/niceness gauge reads a bit better than Ebenezer’s, but it’s that same feeling of ultimate joy. I think what I’m feeling…is gratitude?

The past few months have been fun. We can all agree. And while I took a pay cut for a few months, I never lost my job, and Batman didn’t lose any income at all. And we’ve been healthy the entire time; we’ve been lucky. But some people were impacted so much worse, with both incomes either cut or lost and with children in the mix. It astounds me how blessed we’ve been through this whole thing, and yes, even though I’ve had some dark days grumbling about what I’ve lost, my invisible fairy Godmother keeps smacking my chin up, reminding me of everything I still have—and it’s all the good stuff.

I grumble to myself about all the extra work my job is putting on me—then remember I have a job, unlike so many others battling each other in the staffing agency. (Been there. Done that. No thank you.)

I grumble to myself about all the what-ifs with my wedding to Batman—then remember I’m marrying Batman and the rest is just details. (Except I’ll still be in my dress. That’s a non-negotiable.)

I grumble to myself about missing blog posts and reverting back as an author—then remember I still write every damn day, and that’s all that matters. (dammit, Janet!)

I’ve decided I’m not going to torture myself anymore with all the things I’ve lost. I’m enjoying my life and all the gifts in it. I’m not sure when I came to this conclusion or decided to put it in heavy, full-force motion, but I’ll take it. We’re not promised tomorrow, and we never get this day, this hour, this moment back—so why waste it? I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to waste one more minute feeling anything but happy, or at least, doing my damn best to.

Hope you’ve caught whatever I have. And no, it’s not the ‘Rona. It’s the Everything-Could-Be-A-Billion-Times-Worse-So-Let’s-Be-Thankful-For-All-The-Blessings-We-Have bug. (It’s the best one to have).

I’m not dead! Shocking, I know 😊

I don’t know what happened the last two weeks. Both Wednesdays popped up right after Friday (they felt) and my mind has been saturated elsewhere. It’s the post-pandemic, pre-election world we live in, and somehow, Batman and I are still pushing forward with our wedding. It definitely sucks, and I’ll write more on that either later or in another post, but as crappy as choosing this year to get married, my heart goes out to all the parents right now.

I’m not sure how ya’ll are doing it. Either sending your kids back or homeschooling or whatever it is you’re doing to keep your shit together—I applaud you. Seriously. I’m not sure I could do it. With the changing schedules and the split days and the kids not really getting to be kids, I’m just—I’m sad. I’m sad for them and sad for the parents who have to be in these situations. It sucks. The whole thing sucks. And I’m just sorry.

I don’t know why or how 2020 went so screwy, but I’m trying to find positives anywhere I can. I ordered something for my dress and it is GOREGOUS and that is what we call a 2020-Win. It’s a rare beast, but it does lurk, and from to time, it’s bound to pop up. Like the other day at Ross when I bought two shirts without trying them on (because, you know, all the dressing rooms are closed) and they fit AMAZINGLY when I got them home. 2020-Win. Probably wouldn’t have noticed before but I’m definitely savoring all the wins I can.

And honestly…that’s not a bad way to live.

What about you? Any 2020-Wins you’ve experienced recently? How’s pandemic, pre-election life treating you?

It’s one of those weeks where nothing remarkable happened (no near-fainting), but I’m still not in the mindset to write anything serious about the wedding, or the state of the country, and how seriously terrified I am for what’s happening and what will be happening in a short matter of months and/or years. Nah. Not in the mood to go down that rabbit hole, and besides, my fingernails are entirely preoccupied with being chewed off from anxiety over the wedding (not really—they still look fabulous) so there’s not enough left for everything else.

I don’t even write political posts (and I’m not gonna start!) but I’m pretty disillusioned by the reality we live in. I’m shocked at decisions being made, and the fact that it’s 2020, and certain situations are being allowed to happen…or not happen. Again, I don’t write political posts, but sometimes I read the news, turn to Batman, and we both cringe. Well, he more swears, vows he’ll protect us if it comes to a civil war, and I try to distract him with questions about his bachelor party, which works most of the time, until the topic of COVID comes up…

I know I said I wasn’t going to write anything serious, but I never really know what my posts are going to be about until I’m done writing them. Little writer secret for you. Besides, I’m not sure what I wrote is serious at all. Maybe it’s more of a gripe? I have way more going on in my head, but don’t have the mindset for it this week. We’ll see how next week goes.

I hope you are doing well and staying safe and being kind to one another (this is the year we need it).

My New Years resolution was to post once a week. You probably don’t remember that because I probably didn’t post that. I think I thought about making it a resolution and then thought, nah. I’m pretty sure I won’t keep to it. Just like I won’t keep to that stupid not-eating-Oreos thing. But it’s October and I think I’ll give the one-post-a-week thing a try. I mean, why not at this point? I only have two and half months left to keep it up. After that, it’s new resolutions and I can try again for twelve straight months next year.

So, let’s see if I can do this. I’m interested in the result just as much as you. Because I also said I’d be doing a lot more vlogging and look at all the vlogs I’ve posted. Don’t see them? Because they’re not there. Because I haven’t posted a single one. Look at them. Sitting there. All in-existent like.

Yeah.  That’s more of me saying I’m going to do something and then just kind of not doing it. But I want to try for the next two and half months. One post per week. I can do this. I can write about writing or the  things that happen in my life, like my adventures with breeding Appa. Which may or may not happen, but hopefully does, because that’s some pure German Shorthair Pointer ammo doing nothing. Not being utilized. He could use the release and I could use the money (seriously, Sire fees are like in the couple hundreds. COUPLE HUNDREDS. As in, $500 for Appa-juice? Hell Yeah.) So maybe I’ll talk about that, keep you updated.

I’m just trying to push myself because I definitely give myself enough slack. Like, all the time. Like, oh…I swept the floor-ish. I deserve ice cream. And then I get ice cream. And then I eat and realize I didn’t sweep the floor; I just moved the dust and bits of Appa’s mutilated toys out of the way where I can’t see them. You know, adulting.

Not sure what else to say so here are some recent pics from my life. Make of them what you will:

I probably should’ve put them in order, but we’re past that at this point. What’s been going on with you? Are you too easy on yourself? And have you kept up with your resolutions?

I know I should probably write a new post and I’ve started about half a dozen but then I got distracted with the television or Batman or Batman talking about what’s on the television and they all sort of morphed into two paragraphs of oh, I’ll come back and finish this later. And I meant to, but then I would start a new post because some other amazing thought entered my mind and surely, the rest of the world (or the handful of you) would need to know about that instead. And now, I can’t decide which of these AMAZING topics is the one I should write about next. And only a handful of them are typed up because I wrote most on pieces of paper that are no longer in my purse or in the car where I left them since all the brilliant ideas come to me on my hour commute to work. Because that’s when I have time to think.

Or in important meetings when I should be focused on my job responsibilities and I’m doodling pictures of creatures from my stories and coming up with vast histories of their people and struggles and what they do in extreme weather. It’s really hard for me to focus on things I don’t give a shit about. I have to force myself to listen, to really pay attention and then my mind drifts again and I muse over how I have to force myself to do things and I wonder if that’s a trait from my family or my zodiac. And by the time I realize I’ve drifted for who knows how long, I force myself to listen again, but instead, I wonder if the speaker has the same issues about paying attention or if they’re even interested in being here either and what they were like as a kid and how many siblings they have.

It’s not ADHD, because I don’t believe in that. I think we like to just name things that people tend to have in common. And it’s not that I can’t keep a straight thought—because I can. It’s just one thought leads to another and then another and sometimes it wraps back around on itself, and other times we end up talking about the rare white bat when you asked me about the weather. That’s how conversations work. They keep moving. And for writers, that can be extremely difficult when you need to keep focus. So I’ll have all these great post ideas/thoughts/questions and they travel onto different topics and I’ll forget what the original thesis was because now that I’m writing about how much I like ice-cream, I’m thinking about dessert and how my teacher taught us the trick to spelling desert vs dessert. (It’s Sahara desert vs Strawberry Shortcake by the way. One S for desert. Two S’s for dessert. Batman had a different method of remembering and therefore he is wrong.)

So I guess this is my next post. It’s not as awesome as the handful of other ones I started writing but there may still be hope for them yet. At least I was able to finish this one. And park correctly. Some people can’t say the same.

Um… am I missing something?

They remembered the visor, jut not to pull all the way in.

Huh.