Month: October 2021

I Know I Can Do This

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I took a break from writing the last few days, and yesterday, I reread some of what I’d written early last week.

*twitch*

I literally rolled my eyes at myself. One part was so cheesy. I mean, yeah, it’s still an early draft but I thought, dude—why did I even think that was good at the time? Whoa. Like whoa. I hope my perspectives aren’t changing—or maybe I’m super cheesy in my earlier drafts and never noticed? Maybe things I thought were once sweet or romantic aren’t anymore? Normally when I edit, I’m looking at overall story context and how it fits with other parts. I’ll even look at sentence structure, but I literally stopped at one point, reread the exchange, and shook my head at the dopiness of the moment. Like, pure lameness—of something I wrote last week! Maybe I’m growing as an author, able to spot the bullshit even earlier?

So, I keep having the same dream. It’s reoccurred since I graduated from college, and it’s that I actually didn’t graduate—that I’m still enrolled. Still in school. And I’m missing my assignments. This wouldn’t be a big thing to others, but I NEVER missed assignments. They were always complete a day or so after it was assigned, or as soon as possible. So, I keep feeling like I’m messing up or I’m missing something or I’m late (not to be confused with my reoccurring nightmare of driving up the steepest bridge imaginable—nearly vertical—which has impeded my speedy, reckless driving and made me a tad safer. You’re welcome.) I’m pretty sure the college dream correlates to writing. Instead of getting up each morning to sit down and write/do Indie author stuff, I go to some desk job that I never saw myself doing—so maybe it’s an inadequacy thing? Feeling like I’m failing at this endeavor so I’m never graduating in my dream? I’d love to pay a shrink to find out, but that costs money, and the Universe still hasn’t realized that I’m a millionaire, so, you all will have to do in the meantime.

The good thing is we’re not supposed to take on everything at once. It’s a day-by-day life, and I think I can keep up with that. I’ve been making more of an effort to post every Wednesday since I’ve fallen off here recently, except I did lose my place with IWSG (Insecure Writers Support Group) which I’ve been involved with since 2014. But, I missed two posts and now I’ll have to resign up. It’s my own fault. And once I’m back on track with regularly posting on Wednesdays, I’ll kick my own butt in gear and get going with my NL which is a memory at this point.

I don’t know if it’s the dream or the few author pages I’ve been following that inspire me, but despite all my bitching and writing anxiety, I do want this. I do believe I was meant to write stories (even if they’re cheesy in the first drafts) and I do know I can do this. Just have to figure out how to make it work for me and my lifestyle and my lack of social media skills.

That’s the fun part.

~ Lady Caitlin

We’re Not Bad People

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I accidentally stole $7 dollars from a sandwich shop.

Not my intention. In my defense, I fully intended to pay the $13 dollar tab—WITH TIP—but it just didn’t work out that way, partly due to me not paying attention and partly to the fact that I’m not a millionaire yet. HAD I been a millionaire, the debit card offered would’ve been loaded with money and not the measly scraps remaining before the following payday. I meant to use Capital One. I reminded myself. But, out of habit, I reached for my normal card, paid, and then saw the receipt. How could half a sandwich and a drink cost me $26?! Because she’d handed me the wrong receipt…and when I went up to get mine, there was a SEVEN DOLLAR BALANCE DUE that she didn’t notice. Neither did I. I only noticed when I sat down and thought—why do I still owe a balance?

Oh. Ohhhhhh.

Oh crap.

I mean, it’s only $7 dollars. From a (national?) restaurant chain. It’s not like I accidentally stole from a Mom n’ Pops place because then I’d feel awful. But, being the over-thinker and anxiety-ridden human that I am, the entire lunch was spent wondering if I should have them void the transaction and re-run it, or, as my lunch date insisted, enjoy the free half meal. I went with the latter.

Why am I telling you this? One—it makes me feel better. The truth will set you free and all that. Two—just a reminder to the Universe that I’m *still* not a millionaire, and had I been, this wouldn’t have happened. The entire meal would’ve been paid for, tip included. So, really, if we break it down, it’s the Universe’s fault, and not that I’m a creature of habit and forgot to use my Capital One. Think we can all agree to that.

Have you ever accidentally stolen money because you’re poor and forgot which card to use? See—there’s a bunch of us. We’re not bad people. We’re broke, forgetful souls is all. There. I feel better having talked it out.

Thank you guys! You always make me feel better.

~ Lady Caitlin

Fake Stress and Squid Games

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I blame Squid Games. And my lack of willpower. (Also, Batman’s. He’s at fault here too). I’d also blame my new job and all the things I’m learning/stress but that would be a LIE and I can’t lie here. It’s like an online diary, and I’m practically the only one who reads this, so if look at this post in a year, I’ll confuse myself. I’ll be like “I don’t remember being super stressed at this new job—maybe I was having a bad week?” Not worth confusing future Caitlin because current Caitlin gets confused enough in general. So, no lying—I missed last week’s post because of laziness and fake stress and Squid games. There, you have it. We can all move on with our lives.

I’m not sure what’s happening—why I’ve taken a step back from keeping up with this blog. I’ve completely FAILED on my NL which I should probably address or work at or something. I’m a bad indie author. Meaning, I write fiction every day, but I’m suuuuper lacking on any kind of news upkeep, marketing (HA! As if!) and I’m just awful at all social media (which is why you can’t find me practically anywhere). So, that pockets me in the “only-writing” writer category which I guess is better than the “non-writing” writer category. Points for that.

Also: it’s getting scary out there. Like, life in general. This baby blog is by no means political, and even trying to tune out all the BS going on, it seeps in and makes me sit back, scratch my head, and be like, okay, so Orwell might’ve been onto something. I addressed this in an earlier post, but the dream of being a famous writer has changed. I don’t want the fame. Just the money so I can sustain a normal, American life—whatever that looks like in the future. Maybe that’s why I’ve taken a step back. Since the picture is changing, I don’t know what an American landscape might look like in five or ten years, so I don’t know what to envision. And with being awful at social media (which is apparently a REQUIRMENT for success) I just feel lost. So, instead of blogging or writing my next NL or working on any kind of marketing materials, I instead just work on my WIP, hang out with Batman, play with Appa and Regis (doggie # 2!!) and binge on unhealthy Netflix shows.

This is life.

But, I’m not failing, even when I tell myself I am. I’m taking my time, going my own route, and doing what feels right. In the moment, at least. I’m ready for someone else to take the professional reigns on this, and let me just write. So, here’s the plan: continue writing amazing stories, find an agent/PA to do all the other businessy stuff that confuses and overwhelms me, and sit back and play with the dogs and llamas. And Batman. He’ll be there too. Probably fixing whatever else breaks in the house, unless my agent/PA can help with that as well (I have high hopes for them).

Does anyone else feel like this? About anything? Love to hear your thoughts. And always… have a badass week!

~Lady Caitlin