I’m not sure what’s going on—but it’s good.
I feel like I’ve been dosed with carpe-diem LSD or something. Not that I know Lucy, or what being in the sky with diamonds feels like, but I imagine it’s exhilarating and intense, which are words I would use to describe my relationship with everything in my life right now: I’m just so thankful for it. I feel like Ebenezer on Christmas morning—post ghosts—when he’s singing and joking and not being a total rat bastard for the first time in his life because he knows he could turn it around and start valuing the day. I like to think my moral/niceness gauge reads a bit better than Ebenezer’s, but it’s that same feeling of ultimate joy. I think what I’m feeling…is gratitude?
The past few months have been fun. We can all agree. And while I took a pay cut for a few months, I never lost my job, and Batman didn’t lose any income at all. And we’ve been healthy the entire time; we’ve been lucky. But some people were impacted so much worse, with both incomes either cut or lost and with children in the mix. It astounds me how blessed we’ve been through this whole thing, and yes, even though I’ve had some dark days grumbling about what I’ve lost, my invisible fairy Godmother keeps smacking my chin up, reminding me of everything I still have—and it’s all the good stuff.
I grumble to myself about all the extra work my job is putting on me—then remember I have a job, unlike so many others battling each other in the staffing agency. (Been there. Done that. No thank you.)
I grumble to myself about all the what-ifs with my wedding to Batman—then remember I’m marrying Batman and the rest is just details. (Except I’ll still be in my dress. That’s a non-negotiable.)
I grumble to myself about missing blog posts and reverting back as an author—then remember I still write every damn day, and that’s all that matters. (dammit, Janet!)
I’ve decided I’m not going to torture myself anymore with all the things I’ve lost. I’m enjoying my life and all the gifts in it. I’m not sure when I came to this conclusion or decided to put it in heavy, full-force motion, but I’ll take it. We’re not promised tomorrow, and we never get this day, this hour, this moment back—so why waste it? I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to waste one more minute feeling anything but happy, or at least, doing my damn best to.
Hope you’ve caught whatever I have. And no, it’s not the ‘Rona. It’s the Everything-Could-Be-A-Billion-Times-Worse-So-Let’s-Be-Thankful-For-All-The-Blessings-We-Have bug. (It’s the best one to have).