Everything Became Terrible

I actually almost fainted on Sunday. It sucked for two reasons.

1: I’ve always wanted to faint. It’s been on my bucket list, and while I know a bunch of you are like wtf would you want to do that? I don’t know—I’ve just been curious. What’s it like? Does everything just turn off? Like, when I’m dead, I want to look back and say yep, totally fainted that one time when I was alive. But I can’t say it. Not yet.

2: I ACTUALLY ALMOST FAINTED. The fact that I live in Florida makes this as surprising to me as it does to you. And, it’s not like I’m skipping around all the states; I’ve been here the entire time, and I’ve never overheated like this. Yes, we’ve been having record-high heat, but this was a rookie mistake to the billionth degree. (I should know better).

I was sitting in the shade at a restaurant near midday-ish while out with the family. The shade turned into partial shade, then into very limited shade, and then I was sitting in the sun. It was fine. I’d had my entire pina colada to cool me down, half my water, and a small portion of my food. Sure, I was fine. But when I stood up, everything became terrible.

Someone must’ve dipped me in lava because I was too hot to breathe. Never thought I’d have that feeling. I’ve definitely vomited from dizziness, but not heat, and I felt like I was going to puke if I didn’t get a cold gust of wind on me—so I flew indoors. Except, it wasn’t much cooler inside the restaurant as it was on the patio. Then the dizziness-heat spell really took over, and I bent forward, hands on my knees.

Breathed in. Breathed out.

Ripped the stupid mask from my face and threw it on the floor (had to put it back on when I went inside)

Breathed in. Breathed out.

Everything grew hazy and I thought—this is it. This is the moment I’m going to faint. This one. Right here. I knew, because I could feel my legs giving out, so I tried sitting before I would collapse, because that would hurt (I think?) and just be terrible. Thankfully, Batman was there and helped set me on the floor, and because I was able to keep that tiny bit of brain energy from being used, it stayed on. Someone slid me a cup of cold water. Someone else called for a cold rag. All I saw were shoes and shin bones and on some level I knew I was mortified because I was sitting on the ground at the entrance of a Bahama Breeze like a stupid tourist, trying not to pass the fuck out.

Had I stayed in the sun any longer, I probably would have. Had I not gotten inside when I did, it might have happened. Again, I repeat: I’ve lived in Florida my entire life and I’ve never felt like this. Which means it’s hot out there people, so make smart decisions. And also, like, stay hydrated because as delicious as pina coladas are, they don’t act the same as water (sadly).

Yeah, so this event was a bummer on two levels, but at least I got to see my family before the near-pass out. I’ll take a win when I can get one. And double points—I didn’t have to pay (thanks dad & S!) So, still finding silver linings sprinkled amongst the bullshit. Ah, life. The fun we have together…

3 thoughts on “Everything Became Terrible

  1. Joleene Naylor says:

    OMG! So I’m not completely insane. I’ve always kinda wanted to faint too, but never have. I’ve never even been knocked out for surgery (I mean, I don’t want surgery, so that’s a good thing, technically) so I’ve always been curious, too, until I really feel like I *might* faint and then suddenly it’s like, “No, don’t think we wanna do that.” But it’s one of those experiences we use in writing, see on movies, etc. and it’s like, so what is it really like??
    On another note fainting from heat is not a good thing, though, so be careful!! heat stroke is no joke. (Do tourists really faint often? That’s quite interesting.)

    • cgcoppola says:

      I knew I liked you. See? People DO want to know what fainting is like! Yeah, heat stroke is terrible so I’m glad it didn’t take me out. I just needed to stay better hydrated. And no, most tourists are fine with adapting to the heat but I have seen a few react poorly. They were mostly at theme parks, but a few restaurants too!

  2. Loni Townsend says:

    Whooboy! My best friend once fainted on me. I signed us up for this ropes course, and it turned out it required a lot of physical exertion that we just weren’t ready for. There we were, several feet above the ground, hooked in with ropes, trying to get across this net. The whole “heat-rises” bit didn’t help any. She got dizzy and the next thing I knew, I was supporting her whole weight as the people running the ropes course were fashioning a swing to get her back to the floor. I took her go-kart racing to make up for it.

    I’m glad you’re doing okay!

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