Month: July 2020

Pretty Disillusioned

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It’s one of those weeks where nothing remarkable happened (no near-fainting), but I’m still not in the mindset to write anything serious about the wedding, or the state of the country, and how seriously terrified I am for what’s happening and what will be happening in a short matter of months and/or years. Nah. Not in the mood to go down that rabbit hole, and besides, my fingernails are entirely preoccupied with being chewed off from anxiety over the wedding (not really—they still look fabulous) so there’s not enough left for everything else.

I don’t even write political posts (and I’m not gonna start!) but I’m pretty disillusioned by the reality we live in. I’m shocked at decisions being made, and the fact that it’s 2020, and certain situations are being allowed to happen…or not happen. Again, I don’t write political posts, but sometimes I read the news, turn to Batman, and we both cringe. Well, he more swears, vows he’ll protect us if it comes to a civil war, and I try to distract him with questions about his bachelor party, which works most of the time, until the topic of COVID comes up…

I know I said I wasn’t going to write anything serious, but I never really know what my posts are going to be about until I’m done writing them. Little writer secret for you. Besides, I’m not sure what I wrote is serious at all. Maybe it’s more of a gripe? I have way more going on in my head, but don’t have the mindset for it this week. We’ll see how next week goes.

I hope you are doing well and staying safe and being kind to one another (this is the year we need it).

Everything Became Terrible

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I actually almost fainted on Sunday. It sucked for two reasons.

1: I’ve always wanted to faint. It’s been on my bucket list, and while I know a bunch of you are like wtf would you want to do that? I don’t know—I’ve just been curious. What’s it like? Does everything just turn off? Like, when I’m dead, I want to look back and say yep, totally fainted that one time when I was alive. But I can’t say it. Not yet.

2: I ACTUALLY ALMOST FAINTED. The fact that I live in Florida makes this as surprising to me as it does to you. And, it’s not like I’m skipping around all the states; I’ve been here the entire time, and I’ve never overheated like this. Yes, we’ve been having record-high heat, but this was a rookie mistake to the billionth degree. (I should know better).

I was sitting in the shade at a restaurant near midday-ish while out with the family. The shade turned into partial shade, then into very limited shade, and then I was sitting in the sun. It was fine. I’d had my entire pina colada to cool me down, half my water, and a small portion of my food. Sure, I was fine. But when I stood up, everything became terrible.

Someone must’ve dipped me in lava because I was too hot to breathe. Never thought I’d have that feeling. I’ve definitely vomited from dizziness, but not heat, and I felt like I was going to puke if I didn’t get a cold gust of wind on me—so I flew indoors. Except, it wasn’t much cooler inside the restaurant as it was on the patio. Then the dizziness-heat spell really took over, and I bent forward, hands on my knees.

Breathed in. Breathed out.

Ripped the stupid mask from my face and threw it on the floor (had to put it back on when I went inside)

Breathed in. Breathed out.

Everything grew hazy and I thought—this is it. This is the moment I’m going to faint. This one. Right here. I knew, because I could feel my legs giving out, so I tried sitting before I would collapse, because that would hurt (I think?) and just be terrible. Thankfully, Batman was there and helped set me on the floor, and because I was able to keep that tiny bit of brain energy from being used, it stayed on. Someone slid me a cup of cold water. Someone else called for a cold rag. All I saw were shoes and shin bones and on some level I knew I was mortified because I was sitting on the ground at the entrance of a Bahama Breeze like a stupid tourist, trying not to pass the fuck out.

Had I stayed in the sun any longer, I probably would have. Had I not gotten inside when I did, it might have happened. Again, I repeat: I’ve lived in Florida my entire life and I’ve never felt like this. Which means it’s hot out there people, so make smart decisions. And also, like, stay hydrated because as delicious as pina coladas are, they don’t act the same as water (sadly).

Yeah, so this event was a bummer on two levels, but at least I got to see my family before the near-pass out. I’ll take a win when I can get one. And double points—I didn’t have to pay (thanks dad & S!) So, still finding silver linings sprinkled amongst the bullshit. Ah, life. The fun we have together…

It’s Been Fun

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I’m feeling better this week. I am also coming off a three-day weekend, so that might have something to do with it.

Batman and I attended a small fourth of July gathering, and I was the only one not wearing something American/Patriot related. It didn’t even occur to me. We even added red, white, and blue sprinkles to the Oreo balls we brought, and my little brain still decided to put on green because *shrugs* I like green. One day I’ll wake up from this fog and be smart. Or, I won’t. And that’ll be fine too.

I’m going to keep this short because not a lot has happened in the past week. The world is still on fire, but now I’m required to wear a mask any time I leave my cubicle at work. So, it’s been like moving from one prison to another, which I didn’t realize could even be possible at a 9-5. I forget to wear the mask most of the time, and end up sticking my nose in my shirt on the way to and from the breakroom or bathroom. It’s been fun.

The only other thing of interest is that the wedding invitations have been mailed – yay! Yes, it’s 2020—the year we’re collectively playing the live-action version of Jumanji—probably the worst year to get married, but we’re doing it. Batman and I are rolling the dice, hoping to get as close to our ideal November wedding as possible, because, who knows where the country will be at that point? Will we all be infected? Will there be no travel? What? PLUS, we are literally getting married the Saturday after the election. THE SAME WEEK GUYS. No one will be emotionally or politically charged. Nope. Not at all.

I’m not panicking.

*rolls back and forth*

Everything’s fine.

*rolls back and forth faster*

Short post, remember? I’m going to go distract myself with something. Probably Netflix or writing no-name story. I really need to come up with a title for that thing…

Enjoy your week!

IWSG Feeling Insecure

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Last week brought a lot of tears, and when I’m ugly-sobbing, my brain’s creative functions turn off. It’s like a door slammed shut into the writing/art world, and it’s probably good I don’t visit, because it’s all overcast and murky, and anytime I Chuck Norris the door and *force* myself to go in when I’m not ready, I produce crap. Not first-draft crap. Just nonsensical nonsense, and I end up feeling worse. So, Batman and I binged through a healthy combo of Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon instead. I feel a little better.

There were a lot of wedding discussions, and I think I’m going to make that a separate post…at some point when I feel up to writing it. Besides, this is not only the first day of the month, but also IWSG day, so, I’m going to boomerang back to writing.

Obviously, again, last week, I didn’t get a lot done. I wanted to write a post, but the Chuck Norris in me couldn’t kick down the door to personal writing, and I’m surprised I was able to sneak past it to work on my no-name story as much as I did (which was very little). At this point, I’m convinced it’s just for me because it still doesn’t feel…special. Which is fine, because I don’t feel special as a writer. I guess I’m feeling a little insecure ☹

This year is throwing me all over the place, so I’m not even thinking of writing in the long-term, business-way, like I should be. Right now, it’s just cathartic. I’m writing because I want to. Because it’s makes me happy and lets me breathe again, even if it never sees the light of day, or brings any amount of money (like most of my published writing), it’s a soul-necessity. This is obviously something I’ll have to move past, but for right now, it’s the pace I’m going – and I’m good with that.

Insecure Writer’s Support Group (IWSG) is a monthly blog hop for writers at all levels to share their fears and insecurities in a safe and encouraging place. Please drop by and say hi to Alex Cavanaugh who started this nifty concept in bringing us all together.