In an effort to lose weight and look sexy at our wedding, Batman and I have taken up walking. We go pretty much every day, and the walk takes around twenty-five minutes. We’re not training for the Olympics or anything, so a speedy stroll around the neighborhood is good start. In fact, I look forward to our strolls because it’s time we get to talk about wedding stuff, work stuff and random stuff without being distracted by Appa or the phone or something needing attention in the house. Walks were our nice little time carved for ourselves.
Now we’ve got to dodge her. ☹
She’s a real person—a REAL NEIGHBOR—and she lured me in with a creepy curl of her pointer finger. Straight up evil-witch style. What does that mean? It means I barely made eye-contact while I was ACROSS THE STREET speed-walking with Batman when she planted herself in her driveway like an immovable Stephen King villain and stared me down until I noticed her. Then—and I repeat— she LURED ME IN with a creepy curl of her pointer finger. Could I have ignored her? Of course. But I’m not rude, and she saw me see her and I at least had to say hello.
So, we did.
Dragging Batman with me, we ended up in a conversation with this lady and her husband—who is either brain-washed or a victim—and about every few comments, she stopped to tell me how beautiful I was. Look, I’m uncomfortable when normal people say it in an everyday situation, but it straight up freaks me out when you tell me repeatedly while staring at me without blinking. And then, after the third or fourth mention, she asked us in for a meal. A MEAL. Like, we just met. And to be clear—what is the meal? Am I the meal? I don’t know. You could be a fucking cannibal.
After telling her that we had to get back to our walk, we managed to get off her driveway and onto the street. There was no glance-back. The second our shoes hit the pavement we were gone. We had too. We’d tried escaping a few times and even at the end there when SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD GO ON OUR WALK WITH US, I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to shake her. But we were free and we were going to keep it that way.
Yes, she’s an older lady and yes, I’m sure a lot of what I said might’ve sounded mean BUT SHE WAS SCARY. Know why she told me I was beautiful? Because she’s a body snatcher and wants to wear my skin. THAT’S WHY.
You’ll know when I stop blogging.
P.S. Batman agrees. He put it – and I quote – “She’s trying to skeleton-key us.” I’ll keep you posted.