IWSG – Insecurity Overload

Happy first Wednesday (of March), a very special time in the life of any writer, especially one riddled with insecurities. The first Wednesday of every month marks the Insecure Writers Support Group (IWSG), a blog hop designed to share our doubts and fears,  to encourage and inspire, and of course, to remember that none of us are alone in this.  And we couldn’t do it without our fearless leader, Captain Alex Cavanaugh!  Feel like taking a load off from that insecurity-ridden burden? Click here to find somebody to lean on.

Gah, do I have a lot of insecurities this month. They kind of piled up on me and so I wasn’t really sure which one to talk about. Like how I still think I write like that eleven-year-old girl with a pencil and lined paper. Or how I think everyone secretly knows my books suck but don’t want to tell me because I’m a high-risk bridge-jumper (not really, but you get the point). Or how I’m tackling the marketing aspect ALL WRONG and only making a (bigger) idiot of myself.

Yes.

Yes to all of these.

My fourth book is currently out to my editor. I’m really proud of what I wrote, but I hate the fact that she’s reading it. I hate the fact that other people will be reading it when I publish in June. It’s because of my inner demon—that confidence-crushing dick that lives inside us all—continually whispering in my ear how I’m wasting everyone’s time with my nonsense.

You’re not very good.

They feel sorry for you.

No one’s buying your books which means you suck. Stop now. Stop embarrassing yourself.

Like I said—a confidence-crushing dick.

These thoughts are fleeting and I know every writer has some form of this dialogue at some point. I’ve read enough blogs and articles to know this is all part of the process, which does make me feel better. Like I’ve earned my stripes as a writer. And normally, I bat down the bitter-ass voice with my whole “fine, I wasn’t sure I was going to share this with anyone anyway” argument. Except I’ve committed now. A fan (yes! I have one of those!) reached out to ask when I was putting out the fourth book and without even thinking I said “June.” That was a week before last month’s post, hence the blog tour question.

So now I’m committed. Now I know (at least) someone will be reading all the flashbacks and fight scenes and sex scenes that I WROTE. And yeah, that kind of terrifies the shit out of me. But I’m charging forward. I’ve decided I want it more than I fear it. And I (think) I’ve decided to use these next three months as an additional marketing tool—March, April and May dedicated to the first, second and third books, respectively. What can you expect? Character info, different POV excerpts and other fun behind-the-scenes things. I don’t know. I was supposed to have it all planned out but was busy spot-checking the MS before sending it the ol’ editor.

So yeah, lots of insecurities. But some good things, too. I’m all sorts of crazy right now. What about you? Do you ever think these things? Feel these things?