Like Stella, I got my groove back.
Well, sort of.
I took a look at the last draft of the fourth book in my series and realized I’m not a total piece of shit writer. And that was very encouraging after last week which, can we all collectively agree, kind of sucked?
I wrote a really emo post about how unhappy I was (whilst sipping my fireball and diet coke and eating frosting out of a jar), and then decided not to post because I wanted to retain the little bit of dignity I still had. I’m still between jobs because apparently, I’m un-hireable, except for evil corporations like insurance and sales and I’d rather continue being broke ass poor than sell my soul to get screamed out about things that I don’t understand myself. So it’s been weird. And depressing. And kind of unhealthy which is unfortunate since I don’t have money to buy bigger clothes. BUT I have been rereading my last draft and I realized I’m not so terrible. I’m in no way great, but at least I’m not as retarded as I had myself thinking last week when it was pointed out to me—on more than one occasion—that I misfiled. MISFILED. (I’m not really working, but I’m helping out around Batman’s parents company to earn a few extra dollars since I’ve grown quite fond of eating during these past thirty years.)
I think the universe was on its period because EVERYTHING was bumming me out. (Not the only person who felt this by the way). I couldn’t get a positive thought in about myself which is really dangerous for artists who, as a group, are known to be quite drastic during dark times. Fear not, both my ears are still securely fastened to the sides of my head, but I hail from a family of artists (couple generations back) that decided making an exit was easier than staying to fight. I would never do anything like that. I don’t think. But when you get in that mindset and you’re like I’M THE BIGGEST FUCKING FAILURE EVER IN EXISTENCE and someone points out that P comes after O in the alphabet, you seriously consider your merit and your contribution to the world.
I know P comes after O. I may have to sing the alphabet to remember, but I understand this. I also understand that maybe I should’ve gotten myself an actual skill like carpentry or understanding computers or learning how to control a room full of children, but I didn’t. I majored in Creative Writing because there was nothing else I wanted to do. I gave no thought to supporting myself because that was something adults did and I will inherently be about sixteen. Or maybe ten, because I still retain that childlike innocence (ignorance) that one day I’ll be able to write full time because that’s what I want more than anything. More than a new laptop that doesn’t crap out on me every five minutes. More than the castle-mansion Batman and I design on a daily basis while skimming pintrest and watching House Hunters. More than a magical wedding in the Artis Zoo in Amsterdam which, by the way, you need to visit. Because it’s fucking unreal.
I’d be willing to be broke ass poor for the rest of my life if it meant I’d be able to barely survive on writing because…
…because that’s all there is. To me. For an occupation. For a passion. For a way to spend my life. And maybe *just maybe* that’s possible. Because my last draft isn’t this garbage piece of shit story. It’s actually kind of… awesome. And I can’t wait to keep writing it. So that’s what I’m going to do.
So fare thee well, good people of Planet Earth. Things may suck at times, yes, but they’re only temporary.
Just Remember: Don’t get fooled by the bad days. You’re better than that.
10 thoughts on “Don’t Get Fooled by the Bad Days”
You inspire me! That is all. .
Well you inspire me. So I guess we’re even.
This – “Just Remember: Don’t get fooled by the bad days. You’re better than that.” I certainly hope so. Sigh.
It’s all in what you believe. 🙂
Passionate would definitely be a word I’d use to describe you. I believe you’ll make it as a full-time writer. I think, of all the writers I know, you’ve got the stuff to make it. I hope your bad days are few and far between, because girl, you rock the writing. Keep strong. Write on.
I was having another one of those days, Loni. This helped *so* much!
I’m right there with you on all of this. When things are going well, I can conquer the world with a well-written sentence, but when I’m having a bad day, I feel like it’s time to dunk my hard drive in a vat of acid and follow it in, because nothing I ever do will amount to anything. >_< But you're right. No matter how bad the days get (and they do get seriously, seriously bad sometimes), we have to get through them.
Writing is the one thing I've ever wanted to do with my life, and every single job I've worked has just been a means to an end – keeping me from starving so I can keep on writing. And I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks you'll make it, since I can see you've got it in you to keep going no matter what.
Also, Coke and Fireball sounds delicious.
Coke and Fireball IS delicious. I definitely recommend trying it. 😉
For real, dude. You’re not alone. Every job is just that – a job. Just a way to pay rent and whatnot. I think our time will come. It’s meant to.
Glad you’re feeling better! I also still sing the alphabet song to myself when alphabetizing but I have misfiled things before – when working on my Amaranthine (in alphabetical order) handbook I found that my notes were in the wrong order – I forget now what it was but I had a drastic mess that resulted in having to redo part of it. But at least the sig. other’s parents didn’t crab at me about it *ouch*
Good luck with the job hunt! If it’s meant to be, you’ll find one!
I kind of don’t want to find one so I can shrug and be like “guess I’ll continue to be an unemployed writer.”
Meh, we’ll see. Glad to know I’m not the only one who sings the alphabet!