I started taking selfies of myself and was too grossed out.

Why do people do this?

All my selfies were HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE I tell you! I looked psychotic and creepy and even the ones where I thought, well, I could try for sexy, it was just… wrong. Like Woody Allen marrying his adopted daughter wrong. Gross. Unclean.

Yuck.

I don’t know what this generation’s obsession is with themselves. And everyone else. And before you start pointing the finger at the fact I was joining in on the selfie-crazy, hate to break it to you. I wasn’t. I was checking my teeth with the camera and recoiled. It was too close up. Major focus on my blemishes and the discolored chipped tooth I never got corrected. Money, you know? Oh well, I think of it as one of those wonderful imperfections WE ALL HAVE. Doesn’t mean it has to be pretty. Or right up in my face when I’m taking a picture. Shit. How long do people have to spend getting the right angle so they can hide their double chins and find the good side where their acne doesn’t show? And do they take them off to photo shop to be turned into someone completely different? Someone unrealistic because I’ve seen some of these selfies out there and good God you’re all liars.

Now, I’m not saying I’m a disgusting person. I’d like to think I’m not. But you may disagree in which case go fuck off. I’m no Quasimodo but even if I was, who cares? It’s just skin and fat and muscle. We all look the same as skeletons anyway. But I get it; I’m no supermodel. I’m an average, realistic human being who is slightly overweight with a bad tooth and cheeks that turn red way too often. Sometimes I take good pictures. Sometimes I wince. That’s life.

But I don’t need to take a picture of myself when I think I look hot. Who is this really for—me or you? I know you’re feeling good getting ready for the night out on the town and you want to capture the moment of confidence before you head out and make memories you probably won’t remember. That’s awesome—great. But why take it in the bathroom? WHY? Seeing your toilet and bathroom quiz book doesn’t add to your sexiness. Sure you may be sporting a six pack or a nice pair of biceps but come on, dude. Now I’m thinking about how often you clean and what kind of quizzes you like taking when you need a break.

I’m not focused on you, because you’re too focused on you. Like everyone seems to be. When did this selfie phase start? I remember hearing it (not too long ago) when Batman came home and told me. Since he works at a high school, he brings me updates on what’s trending nowadays and the new words our youth will soon turn into common place language. I couldn’t believe “ratchet” the first time he told me. COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. I just kept saying it over and over and over, waiting for it to sink in and wondering how we went from, “yes madam, would you care for another cup of tea?” to “damn, dat girl ratchet.”

WTF?

And then “twerking.”

There’s a term for that now? I thought it was called grinding. Like, booty dancing. I’m so confused. And lost. And confused. And then he tells me about this thing where people take photos of themselves and it’s become this HUGE thing and they post them all over the place and I just don’t get it.

I know, I know, I’m way late to all this and *super* uncool for thinking selfies are dumb. I might as well be eighty, right? It’s not because I’m self conscious or have low self esteem or am too afraid to show the world how sexy I can be at the right angle and light. I just don’t get the need for it. If we’re out and you want a picture, grab it. I’ll try not to look retarded but sometimes I blink mid snap and it’s the best I can do. And yeah, I might want a pic of me and Batman when we actually leave the apartment to go socialize with the world. To like, prove we’re not complete hermits. But that’s usually it. No selfies. No show-you-my-bathroom shots or look, I found the perfect angle to hide everything I don’t want the world to see.

Because I can’t really do that. I end up grossing myself out and wondering how Batman gets in so close to kiss me.

God bless him.

Want to see one of my gross selfies? Here you go:

Look at my freak tooth. LOOK AT IT.

At least there’s no toilet in the background.