This is probably extremely inappropriate but did Edward Scissorhands have a penis? The hands were the last thing the doctor made right? So… that means every other part of his anatomy was already created. Nipples, knee caps, toes and so on…

I might’ve missed this part but why were the hands—one of our most useful parts—made last? Because they were most complex? That doesn’t make any sense. I’m pretty sure I’m reading too much into this but I just don’t understand why making a willy was more important than a pair of hands. I mean, was he hoping Edward would procreate with other robots? And what other robots? And wouldn’t the doctor just make them? Ah! This makes no sense.

Maybe he doesn’t have one. In which case, what were those women hoping would happen after their erotic haircuts? Especially that freaky red head in the salon? And I’m not so sure I’d be throwing myself at some shy, pale robot who’s able to ruin the water bed simply by picking up a pillow. I mean, think of all the sheets you’d need to buy! Now, I know most women have a very tiny, very secret little crush on Edward Scissorhands. It’s probably because of that one scene with Wynona Ryder, when he’s sculpting the ice and makes it snow—I know, I sighed too.  Or maybe it’s the fact that Johnny Depp plays him. But let’s think about this—would Edward still be hot (if you think he is) if he was played by… oh, I don’t know… Danny Devito? Randy Quaid? What about Steve Buscemi? See? Casting makes a huge difference to all this. And if one of them played the iconic Scissorhands, would anyone care if he’d been created with a robot penis?

I would, because I care about the important things.

But maybe he’s just a manikin under that skin-tight black rubber suit. With no toes, no knee caps or nipples—just a plastic ken doll. I wish I could ask him. Or the doctor. I’m just too curious about so many things in this movie. Like does he pick his nose? Edward—not the doctor. And does he get heartburn? Or gas? He seems to have all the other traits of a real person, but what about these things? And he never ages right? Wynona gets all old and wrinkly and he’s still up in the castle, trimming away the topiaries. Why doesn’t he ever come back down? That’s what I want to know. I get that it’s a dangerous thing but come on, he’s got SCISSOR HANDS. Doesn’t he want to see his lady—haggish as she may be? And what’s he supposed to do for eternity up in that castle? Don’t get me wrong—I love the movie, I really do—but a lot of questions are left unanswered.

Like willy or no willy?

It’s not fair to keep us in suspense.